Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Dealing with Frustration.
So many parents come to me with concerns that their child gets angry or frustrated. This usually happens when they lose at a game or trying to learn something new. I am excited to share what has worked for me and my family.
I usually find that the trigger for frustration is making a judgement that we are not learning quick enough or we should have done better or won. It is easy to see the trigger as the source of the feelings of frustration. When a student doesn't win at a game, we might say something about winning or losing or being a better sport or maybe next time if you train more you will win. These focus
on the trigger and re-enforce the idea that they are the source of the feelings of frustration.
For me I don't see triggers as the source of our negative or positive feelings but the underlying un-met or met needs. For frustration it is usually our need for
Competence
aka just being good at things. This may seem like a subtle difference but it makes a very important distinction that allows you to meet this need in hundreds of different ways instead of only winning or become competent at the skill that was the initial trigger.
For example a student might become frustrated after losing a soccer game.
Child: "I hate soccer. I'm so stupid for losing. The other team cheated. I don't ever want to play soccer again."
Dad: "I hear you are feeling angry when you think about losing the game?"
Child: "Yeah I'm angry. I should have won."
Dad: "So you are feeling really angry."
Child: "Yes I'm angry."
Dad: "Are you feeling angry when you think about losing the game because you love to
be good at things."
Child: "Yes I'm angry because I was not good at the game."
Dad: "You're feeling angry because you need to be good at things?"
Child: "Yes I'm angry because I need to be good at things."
This last statement by the child is what we are looking to find out and have them realize. It wasn't the game that caused these feelings. It was their need for being good at things. Already one feels better because we all have this same need and there is certainly nothing wrong with wanting to meet that need.
Dad: "What are somethings you feel excited about doing because you get to be good at them?"
Child: "Nothing I'm a loser."
Here I might chose to repeat the process again with this statement focusing on feelings of sadness and the same need to be good at things. Or I might continue as such.
Dad: "It looks like you are feeling happy when you play tag with me. Is that something you are good at?"
Child: "Yes that is fun and I'm pretty fast."
Dad: "So you feel excited playing tag because you are good at it and it meets your need to be good at things?"
Child: "Yes. Can we play tag?"
Dad: "Sure."
At this point our dad has help his child to realize his feelings are coming from his needs being met or not met. Then they came up with a strategy to make sure he gets his need for competence meet. Dad might want to watch this need in the future and check in with his child that it is getting met.
I hope this helps you in the same way it has helped my family. I find this idea useful for myself. I would love to hear your feedback because I love helping people.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Why is it so hard to help other people?
Why is it so hard to help other people?
I know as a parent, friend, and martial arts instructor I have asked myself this question in the past. Here is an example that I think we can all easily understand.
Imagine getting lost in the woods for a week without food or water then finally finding your way out to a strange town. You are so hungry and thirsty that each person you meet you ask for some food or water. In this strange place they seem very kind but they don't understand your language so instead they offer some other kind of help. One man offers you a ride to where you need to go. Another asks if you would like to join him on his way to church. An older lady even offers you her coat. Obviously this would be of no help to you.
So my guess is that you have an idea as to why it is so hard to help other people or even ourselves. We don't understand the words they are using to ask for help. So how do we find out how we can help others? First if we remember the story from above we will stop and try to find the answer to the question,
"What is it that this person needs?"
Many times asking someone this question produces no answer or an answer that many not be possible right now just like in the story above.
So how could we help the man when we can't understand what he is saying?
1. Observation
Make an observation without judgements. I can imagine seeing him. He would look dehydrated and weak.
2. Feelings
Ask how or guess how the other person is feeling? I might guess he is feeling hungry and thirst.
3. Needs
So I would guess he needs food and water.
4. Offer/Request
Make an offer of food and water. If he took it then I would know I was on the right track.
Here is another example. Lets say your friend tells you he is very depressed. You ask why and he says he doesn't know why. So you tell him he should take up an exercise program. He tells you he has no motivation. You say if you just get started it will help him. He feels even more depressed and tells you it will never work. You tried to help but just couldn't find a way. You might even leave thinking your friend is wrong and if he would just listen to you he would feel much better.
Instead lets apply the model from above and see if it helps.
1. Observation
Your friend says he is depressed. His shoulders are slumped. He is moving slowly and using a soft voice.
2. Feelings
He looks sad, uncomfortable, and tired. You ask him if he feels tired and he says yes.
3. Needs.
So you make a guess that he might need sleep. Do you think you might need to sleep?
4. Offer/Request
He says yes and takes a nap. Now if he feels better afterwards you know your on the right track. Also notice here you didn't need to come up with a solution. He knew what to do once he become aware of his need for sleep. This happens many times when do steps 1-3 step 4 happens on its own.
We all have needs for food, water, sleep, friendship, contribution, space, autonomy, competence and many others. It is these needs that drive our feelings, thoughts, and actions. So if you want to help yourself, your family, your kids, your friends, or just about anyone give this model a try.
Lastly, watch out for this question. "Is this person right or wrong about what will help them?" This is a question that can't be ask effectively until we know what the person needs. Obviously if the person is upset about a bully at school because they need safety and they tell you they that will get safety by beating this bully up tomorrow. You would want to help them see that there are many other strategies to get their need for safety met that would likely make everyone's life much better. Still we can help the most when know what it is that the person needs before we judge any strategy to meet that need.
I am grateful for the change to share these ideas with you because I love helping others. I hope they benefit you, your family, and your friends. Please let me know you feedback by commenting below because I would love to know how these ideas are helping.
I know as a parent, friend, and martial arts instructor I have asked myself this question in the past. Here is an example that I think we can all easily understand.
Imagine getting lost in the woods for a week without food or water then finally finding your way out to a strange town. You are so hungry and thirsty that each person you meet you ask for some food or water. In this strange place they seem very kind but they don't understand your language so instead they offer some other kind of help. One man offers you a ride to where you need to go. Another asks if you would like to join him on his way to church. An older lady even offers you her coat. Obviously this would be of no help to you.
So my guess is that you have an idea as to why it is so hard to help other people or even ourselves. We don't understand the words they are using to ask for help. So how do we find out how we can help others? First if we remember the story from above we will stop and try to find the answer to the question,
"What is it that this person needs?"
Many times asking someone this question produces no answer or an answer that many not be possible right now just like in the story above.
So how could we help the man when we can't understand what he is saying?
1. Observation
Make an observation without judgements. I can imagine seeing him. He would look dehydrated and weak.
2. Feelings
Ask how or guess how the other person is feeling? I might guess he is feeling hungry and thirst.
3. Needs
So I would guess he needs food and water.
4. Offer/Request
Make an offer of food and water. If he took it then I would know I was on the right track.
Here is another example. Lets say your friend tells you he is very depressed. You ask why and he says he doesn't know why. So you tell him he should take up an exercise program. He tells you he has no motivation. You say if you just get started it will help him. He feels even more depressed and tells you it will never work. You tried to help but just couldn't find a way. You might even leave thinking your friend is wrong and if he would just listen to you he would feel much better.
Instead lets apply the model from above and see if it helps.
1. Observation
Your friend says he is depressed. His shoulders are slumped. He is moving slowly and using a soft voice.
2. Feelings
He looks sad, uncomfortable, and tired. You ask him if he feels tired and he says yes.
3. Needs.
So you make a guess that he might need sleep. Do you think you might need to sleep?
4. Offer/Request
He says yes and takes a nap. Now if he feels better afterwards you know your on the right track. Also notice here you didn't need to come up with a solution. He knew what to do once he become aware of his need for sleep. This happens many times when do steps 1-3 step 4 happens on its own.
We all have needs for food, water, sleep, friendship, contribution, space, autonomy, competence and many others. It is these needs that drive our feelings, thoughts, and actions. So if you want to help yourself, your family, your kids, your friends, or just about anyone give this model a try.
Lastly, watch out for this question. "Is this person right or wrong about what will help them?" This is a question that can't be ask effectively until we know what the person needs. Obviously if the person is upset about a bully at school because they need safety and they tell you they that will get safety by beating this bully up tomorrow. You would want to help them see that there are many other strategies to get their need for safety met that would likely make everyone's life much better. Still we can help the most when know what it is that the person needs before we judge any strategy to meet that need.
I am grateful for the change to share these ideas with you because I love helping others. I hope they benefit you, your family, and your friends. Please let me know you feedback by commenting below because I would love to know how these ideas are helping.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Overcome being Overwhelmed
Many of use feel overwhelmed in today society. I would like to answer a different question to offer some insight into how to simplify and manage feeling overwhelmed.
Many student have asked me, "Which is the best martial arts?". They seem to think that there is one Martial Arts that is best or that all Martial Arts are different and using those different Martial Arts together is going be the most effective way of studying Martial Arts. I'd like to bring a little something different for all of our students to consider.
First, everyone who studies Martial Arts no matter what the Martial Art is essentially the same. We all have two eyes, two ears, two arms, two legs, two feet, ten toes, ten fingers, and one mind. Even though each Martial Art technique appears different they are all performed by a person. For example Tae kwon do has a lot more emphasis on kicks because it developed in a country which is relatively flat. Brazilian Jujitsu focuses more on ground work because of the fact that 80% of the fights do end up on the ground. Tai chi emphasizes movements that appears slow and soft from the outside because they were developed with a particular background that emphasize those things.
Even though this differences are real, the fact remains that each of this Martial Arts were developed around the human body and the physics which describes our world. These dictate the fundamental movements that the human body can make. While the movements of the human body are limitless in in a certain sense, they can really be reduced to only three movements.
No matter the Martial Art, no matter the movement, every movement is encompassed either by a circle, a figure eight, or a spiral downward or upward. Those three shapes describe the movement of your center of gravity. That's the point on your body which has the same masses as rest of your body. It is very important in Martial Arts because moving this point instead of your arm or your leg guarantees that the movement will be the most efficient and powerful it can be. Every Martial Art has realized this and gears their movements around this fact. This results in only three types of movement whether you're doing an armbar in jujitsu or you're doing a flying dragon kick in Tae kwon do. Whatever the movement, it must come from one of these three simple patterns.
So, as you study the Martial Arts realize, you're learning a multitude of different Martial Arts at our school yet at the same time all of the movements fundamentally are the same. The more you advance, the more that you see how each of this movements can be reduced to its simplest form.
This realization was described by Bruce Lee as daily decrease instead of daily increase and is demonstrated in the famous story of Leonardo da Vinci being chosen by the Pope as the artist to paint the Sistine Chapel. All the other artists had painted portraits or landscapes that were intricate and beautiful and had taken many months. He walked up with a piece of paper and a simple pencil and proceeded to draw a perfect circle that so impressed the Pope that he immediately chose him as the artist to create the Sistine Chapel.
This idea of simplicity being at the core of everything we do is a radical idea and fights the current of what we see today. We are overwhelmed with so much information and so many options that at times we can feel like there's too much to ever be able to do it all. We think that there are so many options how can we know which one is best. At times like this, I like to remember this simple idea of daily decrease. I saw the example of the instructors I trained with over the years that seemed to have very simple and straight forward ways of living. With their simple lives they deep effected the lives of so many through the mastery they had achieved in so many areas. Their day to day life was centered around a few central practices, one of which is Martial Arts. I saw how Martial Arts made their lives consistently better and allowed them to achieve the success that they attained.
I hope this idea is something that gives comfort to those who feel overwhelmed. That maybe if we stop and slow down and ask ourselves,
"What are the two or three things in my life that bring me, my family, and my friends the most joy?"
Then ask,
"What can I do right now in those areas to make my life more wonderful?"
If we can do that then all of the other things that appear so difficult, many times fall into place. I will end with a quote from one of my favorite instructors, Joe Hays or "Papa Joe" as all of his students used to call him. He said "If you don't do something from the heart, it's worthless." He also said that if you're ever confused, "Go back to the basics." This idea of going back to the basics and simplifying, is it the heart of what we do at the Family Martial Arts Academy. I am so grateful for the opportunity to share the thoughts and ideas that have made my life and the lives of my family more wonderful. I would love to hear your feedback because I really enjoy contributing. Thanks in advance.
Many student have asked me, "Which is the best martial arts?". They seem to think that there is one Martial Arts that is best or that all Martial Arts are different and using those different Martial Arts together is going be the most effective way of studying Martial Arts. I'd like to bring a little something different for all of our students to consider.
First, everyone who studies Martial Arts no matter what the Martial Art is essentially the same. We all have two eyes, two ears, two arms, two legs, two feet, ten toes, ten fingers, and one mind. Even though each Martial Art technique appears different they are all performed by a person. For example Tae kwon do has a lot more emphasis on kicks because it developed in a country which is relatively flat. Brazilian Jujitsu focuses more on ground work because of the fact that 80% of the fights do end up on the ground. Tai chi emphasizes movements that appears slow and soft from the outside because they were developed with a particular background that emphasize those things.
Even though this differences are real, the fact remains that each of this Martial Arts were developed around the human body and the physics which describes our world. These dictate the fundamental movements that the human body can make. While the movements of the human body are limitless in in a certain sense, they can really be reduced to only three movements.
No matter the Martial Art, no matter the movement, every movement is encompassed either by a circle, a figure eight, or a spiral downward or upward. Those three shapes describe the movement of your center of gravity. That's the point on your body which has the same masses as rest of your body. It is very important in Martial Arts because moving this point instead of your arm or your leg guarantees that the movement will be the most efficient and powerful it can be. Every Martial Art has realized this and gears their movements around this fact. This results in only three types of movement whether you're doing an armbar in jujitsu or you're doing a flying dragon kick in Tae kwon do. Whatever the movement, it must come from one of these three simple patterns.
So, as you study the Martial Arts realize, you're learning a multitude of different Martial Arts at our school yet at the same time all of the movements fundamentally are the same. The more you advance, the more that you see how each of this movements can be reduced to its simplest form.
This realization was described by Bruce Lee as daily decrease instead of daily increase and is demonstrated in the famous story of Leonardo da Vinci being chosen by the Pope as the artist to paint the Sistine Chapel. All the other artists had painted portraits or landscapes that were intricate and beautiful and had taken many months. He walked up with a piece of paper and a simple pencil and proceeded to draw a perfect circle that so impressed the Pope that he immediately chose him as the artist to create the Sistine Chapel.
This idea of simplicity being at the core of everything we do is a radical idea and fights the current of what we see today. We are overwhelmed with so much information and so many options that at times we can feel like there's too much to ever be able to do it all. We think that there are so many options how can we know which one is best. At times like this, I like to remember this simple idea of daily decrease. I saw the example of the instructors I trained with over the years that seemed to have very simple and straight forward ways of living. With their simple lives they deep effected the lives of so many through the mastery they had achieved in so many areas. Their day to day life was centered around a few central practices, one of which is Martial Arts. I saw how Martial Arts made their lives consistently better and allowed them to achieve the success that they attained.
I hope this idea is something that gives comfort to those who feel overwhelmed. That maybe if we stop and slow down and ask ourselves,
"What are the two or three things in my life that bring me, my family, and my friends the most joy?"
Then ask,
"What can I do right now in those areas to make my life more wonderful?"
If we can do that then all of the other things that appear so difficult, many times fall into place. I will end with a quote from one of my favorite instructors, Joe Hays or "Papa Joe" as all of his students used to call him. He said "If you don't do something from the heart, it's worthless." He also said that if you're ever confused, "Go back to the basics." This idea of going back to the basics and simplifying, is it the heart of what we do at the Family Martial Arts Academy. I am so grateful for the opportunity to share the thoughts and ideas that have made my life and the lives of my family more wonderful. I would love to hear your feedback because I really enjoy contributing. Thanks in advance.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Motivation - What & Why?
 |
| Katya demonstrating some really powerful internal motivation. Not to mention a really fast kick! |
1. What is it you would like you or someone else to do?
2. Why would you like you or someone else to do it?
Hopefully question one is a simpler one for most of us. It is question two that maybe a little be more difficult. I know I have answered this question in the past with: "Because I said so" or "Because it is the right thing to do". These responses answer the question of what you tell someone is the reason they must do what we are asking them to do. However do they answer why would you like them to do it.
For me the answer would be because they see how it is helpful to them or how it would contribute to someone else and they love being able to contribute to others. Or they deeply trust that you are correct in your assessment that doing something is going to be helpful to them or others.
In a nut shell, "What would make life more wonderful for everyone?"
This is the difference between internal and external motivation. Are our actions coming from a place of meeting our needs, especially our need to contribute to others? I see this as internal motivation. Or are our actions coming from a place of doing something out of some external pressure that is triggering feelings of guilt, fear, shame, and etc. This is external motivation.
I hope to give everyone a chance to see this distinction and to begin to consider how to get to a place of internal motivation. For me this is seen in how young children are able to play with total abandonment and joy. When you fall in love and just are dieing to take care of the other person with no thought of reward or what you will get in return. When you see your new born child for the first time and you want to care for and protect your child with your very life.
I hope to share with you some strategies over the coming months to promote internal motivation. At the same time if we really want internal motivation by definition we can not create it in someone else. We can only foster it with the right conditions and support. We can feel frustrated thinking about this or we can see this as an opportunity to bring out our true self. For me as a Christian this is about learning to fulfill the image of God in ourselves and others that leads to true peace and happiness.
I am so thankful for the opportunity to share what has worked for me and my family to make our lives more wonderful. Thank you. I'm deeply interested in what is your feedback on these questions and my thoughts?
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Requests Martial Arts Aurora OH 44202
The Roots of the Tree - Needs & Values
In this Post:
Who is on Facebook? We are on Facebook now and I and Mr. Trojan are touching base weekly to see what's up. If you would like to join us click the link below.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Family-Martial-Arts-Academy/122601835635?ref=ts
==============================================
Important News:
==============================================
Instructor's Corner
Requests - How to get what you need. How offer to help others.
By Scott Shoen
Now that we know what the other person needs are and have confirmed them with them we can make a request to help. Most of the time this will not be difficult to find out what would help since we know the need. At the same time we can make a request to help or for help and see how the person responds.
Here are some examples:
Requests to Help:
1. Would you like to drive to subway to get something to eat at 12:30? (Need: Food)
2. Would you like to work together on your homework for the next 30 minutes? This way if you would like help with a problem I can show you how I might solve it? (Needs: Competence, Learning)
3. Would you like to take a walk and talk about your situation at work? ((Needs: Competence, Learning, Appreciation, Empathy)
4. Would you like to drink milk or juice for lunch? ((Need: Variety)
5. I am willing to take out the trash. Would that work for you? ((Needs: Support, Safety)
Requests for Help:
1. Would you be willing to watch me do my homework. Then once I am done show me how you might have answered any of the questions differently. I am guessing this will take about 45 minutes. ((Needs: Competence, Learning, Support, Connection)
2. Would you be willing to babysit my kids this Friday from 5:00 to 11:00 PM ((Needs: Support, Safety of Kids, Space, Autonomy)
3. Would you be up for hanging out this Friday at the movies around 5:00 PM? (Friendship, Play, Excitement, Connection)
4. Would you start your homework at your desk in your room with me when you get home from school? (Needs & Values: Safety and Learning of your son because you Love him.)
5. Would you pick up all your clothes off the floor and put them in the hamper? (Needs & Values: Safety, Organization, Learning for your child because you Love her.)
In the next post I will be talking about making requests that are clear, positive, and use concrete action language. This way we can reveal what we really want.
I am so grateful to hear our students feedback on these posts either on the blog, Facebook, or YouTube. Thanks for everyone's supports.
====================================================
Not a Family Martial Arts Student Yet?
Karate Class in Aurora OH
Karete Class in Bainbridge
Mixed Martial Arts Training in Aurora OH
Mixed Martial Arts Classes in CLEVELAND
Kids Karate Classes for Better Grades
In this Post:
- Upcoming Events & Updates
- Instructor's Corner - Requests - How to get what you need. How offer to help others.
Who is on Facebook? We are on Facebook now and I and Mr. Trojan are touching base weekly to see what's up. If you would like to join us click the link below.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Family-Martial-Arts-Academy/122601835635?ref=ts
==============================================
Important News:
- Graduation - Graduation celebration will be held Saturday April 14th
- 2-7 12:00 to 1:30 PM
- 8-12 1:30 to 3:00 PM
- Adults 3:00 to 4:30 PM
==============================================
Instructor's Corner
Requests - How to get what you need. How offer to help others.
By Scott Shoen
Now that we know what the other person needs are and have confirmed them with them we can make a request to help. Most of the time this will not be difficult to find out what would help since we know the need. At the same time we can make a request to help or for help and see how the person responds.
Here are some examples:
Requests to Help:
1. Would you like to drive to subway to get something to eat at 12:30? (Need: Food)
2. Would you like to work together on your homework for the next 30 minutes? This way if you would like help with a problem I can show you how I might solve it? (Needs: Competence, Learning)
3. Would you like to take a walk and talk about your situation at work? ((Needs: Competence, Learning, Appreciation, Empathy)
4. Would you like to drink milk or juice for lunch? ((Need: Variety)
5. I am willing to take out the trash. Would that work for you? ((Needs: Support, Safety)
Requests for Help:
1. Would you be willing to watch me do my homework. Then once I am done show me how you might have answered any of the questions differently. I am guessing this will take about 45 minutes. ((Needs: Competence, Learning, Support, Connection)
2. Would you be willing to babysit my kids this Friday from 5:00 to 11:00 PM ((Needs: Support, Safety of Kids, Space, Autonomy)
3. Would you be up for hanging out this Friday at the movies around 5:00 PM? (Friendship, Play, Excitement, Connection)
4. Would you start your homework at your desk in your room with me when you get home from school? (Needs & Values: Safety and Learning of your son because you Love him.)
5. Would you pick up all your clothes off the floor and put them in the hamper? (Needs & Values: Safety, Organization, Learning for your child because you Love her.)
In the next post I will be talking about making requests that are clear, positive, and use concrete action language. This way we can reveal what we really want.
I am so grateful to hear our students feedback on these posts either on the blog, Facebook, or YouTube. Thanks for everyone's supports.
====================================================
Not a Family Martial Arts Student Yet?
Karate Class in Aurora OH
Karete Class in Bainbridge
Mixed Martial Arts Training in Aurora OH
Mixed Martial Arts Classes in CLEVELAND
Kids Karate Classes for Better Grades
Friday, March 16, 2012
Karate Aurora OH 44202 - Needs & Values
The Roots of the Tree - Needs & Values
In this Post:
I am excited to share with all our students some additional training videos. I'm hopeful that these will improve your skills. I would love to hear how they are helping you out and what else you would like to see up on our YouTube channel.
http://www.youtube.com/user/Karateisgoodforyou
==============================================
Important News:
Instructor's Corner
The root of the tree - Needs & Values
By Scott Shoen
We have talked about "observing with just the facts", and then noticing feelings that point to underlying needs that are either being meet or not.
So lets delve into the idea of needs more completely. Most people use the word need to mean the same thing as want. In this case I am using it to mean a universal need that all people have. For example:
1. I need a piece of chocolate cake. (Possible Universal Needs: food, variety, beauty [in the form of taste])
2. I need to study for the test. (Possible Universal Needs: Friendship, Connection, Emotional Safety, Learning, Competence)
3. I need air. (Air is a Universal Need)
4. I need humor. (Humor is a Universal Need)
Notice that when expressing a need directly there is never a particular action or strategy attached to that need. So if your son asks for the latest video game he is expressing universal needs. Maybe the underlying needs are Friendship, Play, Safety, Learning, Competence, etc. Now you have so many possible ways of helping.
Helping others by meeting their needs usually is experienced as caring or love. The goal of discovering observations, feelings, and needs is to have an opportunity to address the underlying universal needs at the heart of the other person's request. A simpler way of describing this process is Empathy.
When you use empathy to connect with people's observations, feelings, and needs you have a much better chance of offering help that will be welcome and will take care of the other person. Using Empathy and then taking care of people's needs will build connection and trust between you and the other person. When I experience this connection with other people I feel euphoric and deeply grateful. This leads me to being enthusiastic about helping even more.
In the next post I will be talking about making requests. This is how you find out if what you think will help the other person is something they think will help too.
I am so grateful to hear our students feedback on these posts either on the blog or facebook. Thanks for everyone's supports.
====================================================
Not a Family Martial Arts Student Yet?
BJJ Class in Aurora OH
BJJ Class in Bainbridge
MMA Training in Aurora OH
MMA Classes in CLEVELAND
Kids Karate Classes for Focus
In this Post:
- Upcoming Events & Updates
- Instructor's Corner - The root of the tree - Needs & Values
I am excited to share with all our students some additional training videos. I'm hopeful that these will improve your skills. I would love to hear how they are helping you out and what else you would like to see up on our YouTube channel.
http://www.youtube.com/user/Karateisgoodforyou
==============================================
Important News:
- Graduation - Graduation celebration will likely be the second Saturday in April. I am so looking forward to seeing what our student want to share with the rest of the academy. I know Anthony is planning on doing a fire break! What are you planning on sharing at graduation? I looking forward to seeing.
Instructor's Corner
The root of the tree - Needs & Values
By Scott Shoen
We have talked about "observing with just the facts", and then noticing feelings that point to underlying needs that are either being meet or not.
So lets delve into the idea of needs more completely. Most people use the word need to mean the same thing as want. In this case I am using it to mean a universal need that all people have. For example:
1. I need a piece of chocolate cake. (Possible Universal Needs: food, variety, beauty [in the form of taste])
2. I need to study for the test. (Possible Universal Needs: Friendship, Connection, Emotional Safety, Learning, Competence)
3. I need air. (Air is a Universal Need)
4. I need humor. (Humor is a Universal Need)
Notice that when expressing a need directly there is never a particular action or strategy attached to that need. So if your son asks for the latest video game he is expressing universal needs. Maybe the underlying needs are Friendship, Play, Safety, Learning, Competence, etc. Now you have so many possible ways of helping.
Helping others by meeting their needs usually is experienced as caring or love. The goal of discovering observations, feelings, and needs is to have an opportunity to address the underlying universal needs at the heart of the other person's request. A simpler way of describing this process is Empathy.
When you use empathy to connect with people's observations, feelings, and needs you have a much better chance of offering help that will be welcome and will take care of the other person. Using Empathy and then taking care of people's needs will build connection and trust between you and the other person. When I experience this connection with other people I feel euphoric and deeply grateful. This leads me to being enthusiastic about helping even more.
In the next post I will be talking about making requests. This is how you find out if what you think will help the other person is something they think will help too.
I am so grateful to hear our students feedback on these posts either on the blog or facebook. Thanks for everyone's supports.
====================================================
Not a Family Martial Arts Student Yet?
BJJ Class in Aurora OH
BJJ Class in Bainbridge
MMA Training in Aurora OH
MMA Classes in CLEVELAND
Kids Karate Classes for Focus
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Aurora Karate Kids OH
Feelings Part 2
In this Post:
I real enjoy hearing from our students and families at the school because I value friendship, sharing martial arts, and hearing from people I really care about. If you would be willing, I would love to hear from you on Facebook or on our blog.
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Family-Martial-Arts-Academy/122601835635
==============================================
Important News:
Instructor's Corner
Feelings? Part 2
By Scott Shoen
In our last post we talked about feelings and how to identify them in yourself or your child. Now to why feelings are so useful. They point to underlying needs that are either being meet or not or to
a guess that needs won't be meet or will be meet in the future.
Here are some examples.
1. I don't want to do my homework. What do you want to do? I want to play outside. Are you feeling frustrated when you think about doing your home work because you need to play? (Underlying need: Play)
2. I don't want to do my homework. What do you want to do? I want to play outside. So are you feeling frustrated when you think about doing your home work because you need to play. No. Are you feeling lonely when you think about doing home instead of playing with your friends because you need friendship? (Underlying need: Friendship)
3. I don't want to workout today. Why. I am tried. So you are feeling tried when you think about working out because you need rest? (Underlying need: Rest)
4. I don't want to workout today. Why. I am bored. So you are feeling bored when you think about working out because you need more variety? (Underlying need: Variety)
5. I love math class. Are you feeling happy when you think about math class because you love getting better at things? (Underlying need: Competence)
6. I love math class. Are you feeling excited when you think about math class and your teacher who does lots of different class room exercises about math because you need excitement? (Underlying need: Stimulation)
For me the exciting part of finding the need(s) behind the behavior(s) and feeling(s) is that it opens up so many possible way of meeting that need. This means that when you or your child feel they want some particular strategy (no homework, skipping a workout, eating ice cream, earning a million dollars) their is an underlying need behind that strategy that could be meet in hundreds of ways. This for me makes it so much easier to help your child want to do their homework and it build the relationship between you and your child because their needs are being meet. This also brings up an
important point. Homework meets needs. If you child is not enjoying doing homework then their is some other need that is not meet that is getting in the way of experiencing how homework meets their need for learning.
I would be grateful to hear our students feedback on these posts and how they are helping you and your families either on the blog or facebook. I am so appreciative of everyone's supports.
Watch for next part going deeper into needs and understanding them.
====================================================
Not a Family Martial Arts Student Yet?
Kickboxing Class in Aurora
Kickboxing Class in Bainbridge
MMA Training in Twinsburg OH
MMA Classes in CLEVELAND
Kids Karate Classes for Discipline
In this Post:
- Upcoming Events & Updates
- Instructor's Corner - Feelings? Part 2
I real enjoy hearing from our students and families at the school because I value friendship, sharing martial arts, and hearing from people I really care about. If you would be willing, I would love to hear from you on Facebook or on our blog.
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Family-Martial-Arts-Academy/122601835635
==============================================
Important News:
- Congratulations Mr. Trojan - Cory Trojan our assistant instructor will be taking over our adult BBC and leadership classes starting in march. I will be working side by side with him in classes and would like to thank him for all I have learned will having the ability to watch classes as an observer. I am so pleased with the improvements that have come about because of his efforts.
Instructor's Corner
Feelings? Part 2
By Scott Shoen
In our last post we talked about feelings and how to identify them in yourself or your child. Now to why feelings are so useful. They point to underlying needs that are either being meet or not or to
a guess that needs won't be meet or will be meet in the future.
Here are some examples.
1. I don't want to do my homework. What do you want to do? I want to play outside. Are you feeling frustrated when you think about doing your home work because you need to play? (Underlying need: Play)
2. I don't want to do my homework. What do you want to do? I want to play outside. So are you feeling frustrated when you think about doing your home work because you need to play. No. Are you feeling lonely when you think about doing home instead of playing with your friends because you need friendship? (Underlying need: Friendship)
3. I don't want to workout today. Why. I am tried. So you are feeling tried when you think about working out because you need rest? (Underlying need: Rest)
4. I don't want to workout today. Why. I am bored. So you are feeling bored when you think about working out because you need more variety? (Underlying need: Variety)
5. I love math class. Are you feeling happy when you think about math class because you love getting better at things? (Underlying need: Competence)
6. I love math class. Are you feeling excited when you think about math class and your teacher who does lots of different class room exercises about math because you need excitement? (Underlying need: Stimulation)
For me the exciting part of finding the need(s) behind the behavior(s) and feeling(s) is that it opens up so many possible way of meeting that need. This means that when you or your child feel they want some particular strategy (no homework, skipping a workout, eating ice cream, earning a million dollars) their is an underlying need behind that strategy that could be meet in hundreds of ways. This for me makes it so much easier to help your child want to do their homework and it build the relationship between you and your child because their needs are being meet. This also brings up an
important point. Homework meets needs. If you child is not enjoying doing homework then their is some other need that is not meet that is getting in the way of experiencing how homework meets their need for learning.
I would be grateful to hear our students feedback on these posts and how they are helping you and your families either on the blog or facebook. I am so appreciative of everyone's supports.
Watch for next part going deeper into needs and understanding them.
====================================================
Not a Family Martial Arts Student Yet?
Kickboxing Class in Aurora
Kickboxing Class in Bainbridge
MMA Training in Twinsburg OH
MMA Classes in CLEVELAND
Kids Karate Classes for Discipline
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
KIds Karate Aurora OH - Feelings what?
- Upcoming Events & Updates
- Instructor's Corner - Feelings? I don't think I have any.
I real enjoy hearing from our students and families at the school because I value friendship, sharing martial arts, and hearing from people I really care about. If you would be willing, I would love to hear from you on Facebook or on our blog.
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Family-Martial-Arts-Academy/122601835635
==============================================
Important News:
- Celebrate with Striping - We are celebrating this week the progress students have made in January. I am grateful and excited to see all the progress our students have made. Purple stripes will be put on belts as a reminder of student's progress. You may want to ask yourself or your child what they have improved or learned during the month. Many students say they don't know or nothing. This usually indicates they haven't taken the time to notice their progress or they feel it is so small they don't feel they should be rewarded for it by being praised. This miss the goal of being motivated not by what others say or do in response to what we do, but by what improving fulfills in us. Taking time to note your progress and how it has fulfilled you along with thinking about what you would enjoy improving over the next month or quarter will improve your intrinsic motivation. Doing this in all areas of your life connects you with why you are doing what you are doing and how you can improve. We encourage celebrating stripe testing and not rewarding or punishing yourself or students for what they have accomplished.
- Congratulations Mr. Trojan - Cory Trojan our assistant instructor has taken a month of adult basic classes. I am feel so proud of Mr. Trojan's accomplishment and deeply appreciate his contribution to the academy, our students, and to my family personally. He also taught a make up class this month and I am excited to hear your feedback on how you enjoyed the class.
Instructor's Corner
Feelings? I don't think I have any...
By Scott Shoen
So here are some examples of feelings and needs. I have also included some that look like feelings but which include no information about how the person is feeling.
1. I am feeling really hungry. (possible need: food)
2. I feel like a chocolate bar. (no feelings, need: unknown)
3. I am feeling tired and exhausted. (possible need: rest)
4. I hate all the work I have to do. (no feelings, need: unknown)
5. I am feeling bored. (possible needs: stimulation and learning)
6. I can't stand my math teacher (no feelings, need: unknown)
7. I feel frustrated and sad. (possible needs: friendship, stimulation, competence)
8. I don't feel like go to sleep. (no feelings, need: unknown)
9. I'm excited. (possible need fulfilled: play)
10. I want to go to the park. (no feelings, need: unknown) Note: Going to the park is not a need. Play is a need. Going to the park is a strategy to get that need meet. The person just as well may want to go to the park to meet other needs: friendship, exercise, etc... This is why it is so important to identify the feelings so you can make a more accurate guess at what need(s) are motivating the persons behavior.
Possible Action Step: Start asking how you or your child is feeling. If they don't or can't answer guess for them and see if they say you are on track. If you like see if you can guess what need maybe behind the feelings you find out.
Watch for part 2 next week.
Not a Family Martial Arts Student Yet?
Kickboxing Class in Aurora
Kickboxing Class in Bainbridge
MMA Training in Twinsburg OH
MMA Classes in CLEVELAND
Kids Karate Classes for Discipline
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Class Changes - Observations & Communication
Thanks to all our students and families for all the feedback on some of the changes we have made to our classes and teaching. I feel so grateful because I love helping and teaching.
I am so excited our students and parents have been adding to classes in ways I'm sure I would not have thought of in a million years. I'm thrilled to start sharing some of the ideas I have been using in classes lately.
First off is something Sensei Bryan shared with me at least two years ago. At that time I felt confused about how it could possibly work or how to use it in classes. It is not the whole teaching that we are using in classes now. Used separately it will likely be less helpful than the whole sequence of ideas. I'm planning on presenting most of what we are doing over the next year.
Here are some examples to give you a clue.
1. I see five pieces of clothes on the floor of your room.
2. What a mess.
3. I heard you raise the volume of your voice.
4. Stop yelling.
5. I see you spelled 7 out of 8 of your spelling words the same way I and your teacher do. Number six is spelled differently than I was taught. (I'm interested, would you tell me how you came up with that way of spelling that word?) I added this additional sentence to highlight how this may produce a different result.
6. Great Job.
7. I completed ten more push ups this week than last week.
8. I'm getting so strong. Or Everyone still can do so much more than me. I'm never going to get in shape.
9. The clock in your room says it is 8:45 AM and the bus has never come later 9:05 AM.
10. You're going to be late again to school. What in the world are doing in bed. Get up.
Here is your last hint. "Just the facts ma'am."
My guess is you have figured out the first step. Make observations much like a scientist.
I find this very helpful in drawing the other person attention to what I would like them to think
about.
Give it a try and let me know your feedback. I am interested to hear if you are by surprised by its effectiveness.
Gratefully,
Sensei
PS Watch out for words like short and long. They are really assessments and not observations in the scientific sense. Try using shorter or longer instead. Example: Bill is shorter that Jim and taller than Paul. Instead of Bill is short.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Halloween Party Video
====================================================
Weekly Challenge: Review what you learned at the BIG MMA Seminar. Be sure to leave feedback at our Facebook page and Dion Riccardo's FB Page too.
Bonus: Spend 15 mins doing one of the new drills each day this week and take it to the next level.
Bonus: Spend 15 mins doing one of the new drills each day this week and take it to the next level.
Not a Family Martial Arts Student Yet?
Kickboxing Class in Aurora
Kickboxing Class in Bainbridge
MMA Training in Twinsburg OH
MMA Classes in CLEVELAND
Kids Karate Classes for Discipline
Hayden's Birthday Party
Hayden's Birthday Party
Pictures from our Facebook Fan page: Please click here!
====================================================
Weekly Challenge: Review what you learned at the BIG MMA Seminar. Be sure to leave feedback at our Facebook page and Dion Riccardo's FB Page too.
Bonus: Spend 15 mins doing one of the new drills each day this week and take it to the next level.
====================================================
Not a Family Martial Arts Student Yet?
Kickboxing Class in Aurora
Kickboxing Class in Bainbridge
MMA Training in Twinsburg OH
MMA Classes in CLEVELAND
Kids Karate Classes for Discipline
Pictures from our Facebook Fan page: Please click here!
====================================================
Weekly Challenge: Review what you learned at the BIG MMA Seminar. Be sure to leave feedback at our Facebook page and Dion Riccardo's FB Page too.
Bonus: Spend 15 mins doing one of the new drills each day this week and take it to the next level.
====================================================
Not a Family Martial Arts Student Yet?
Kickboxing Class in Aurora
Kickboxing Class in Bainbridge
MMA Training in Twinsburg OH
MMA Classes in CLEVELAND
Kids Karate Classes for Discipline
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Pictures from the Halloween Party.
Check this out!
Halloween Party pictures from our Facebook Fan page: Please click here!
====================================================
Not a Family Martial Arts Student Yet?
Kickboxing Class in Aurora
Kickboxing Class in Bainbridge
MMA Training in Twinsburg OH
MMA Classes in CLEVELAND
Kids Karate Classes for Discipline
Halloween Party pictures from our Facebook Fan page: Please click here!
====================================================
Weekly Challenge: Review what you learned at the BIG MMA Seminar. Be sure to leave feedback at our Facebook page and Dion Riccardo's FB Page too.
Bonus: Spend 15 mins doing one of the new drills each day this week and take it to the next level.
====================================================Bonus: Spend 15 mins doing one of the new drills each day this week and take it to the next level.
Not a Family Martial Arts Student Yet?
Kickboxing Class in Aurora
Kickboxing Class in Bainbridge
MMA Training in Twinsburg OH
MMA Classes in CLEVELAND
Kids Karate Classes for Discipline
Friday, October 28, 2011
It’s your Final chance to register for our Halloween Party.
Halloween Party: Flyers & Permission Slips
P.S. Whoever brings the most friends with permission slips will win a fifty-dollar gift card to Wal-Mart! Second place is $25 and third place is $10. Click this link for the flyer and permission slips.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Simple Concentration Tip #1
Here's the most effect strategies in maintaining strategies from maintaining your concentration. I call it, 'be here now', 'technique', it's pretty simple. If you find your attention strain from what's happening. Simply repeat to yourself 'be here now'. This will help you to re-establish your concentration to the present moment. You may have to do this hundreds of times in an average week, just keep trying and be patient and you will see improvement. Hope you all really enjoy this technique and it works for you.
This coming week is the buddy week at the school and we look forward to meeting anyone who you would like to introduce to the academy.
====================================================
Not a Family Martial Arts Student Yet?
Kickboxing Class in Aurora
Kickboxing Class in Bainbridge
MMA Training in Twinsburg OH
MMA Classes in CLEVELAND
Kids Karate Classes for Discipline
This coming week is the buddy week at the school and we look forward to meeting anyone who you would like to introduce to the academy.
====================================================
Weekly Challenge: Review what you learned at the BIG MMA Seminar. Be sure to leave feedback at our Facebook page and Dion Riccardo's FB Page too.
Bonus: Spend 15 mins doing one of the new drills each day this week and take it to the next level.
Not a Family Martial Arts Student Yet?
Kickboxing Class in Aurora
Kickboxing Class in Bainbridge
MMA Training in Twinsburg OH
MMA Classes in CLEVELAND
Kids Karate Classes for Discipline
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)