How NOT to Help your Child get Motivated to do what's Right
(Skip this if you want to get to the good stuff.)
2. Rewards help but they won't work all the time. John be good for two weeks by cleaning your room and you will get a new toy. This type of reward might work, but not all the time. The older your children get the less they will motivate these rewards.
3. Punishments work some of the time. Usually we have to keep increasing the punishment to get the results we want. This is not motivational and it is too stressful on parents and children.
Let me give an example of a video game that worked based on the three previous ideas.
A. You start on level 1. Each ball destroyed gives you 10 points. Two get to level 2 you must get 100 points. To get to Level three 200 points on this level for a total of 300 points. To get to level four maybe 400 points. (Idea 1)
B. Each level you pass you are rewarded with a gold star, or some other color star. You know the rewards ahead of time. (Idea 2)
C. You die if you fall in a pit and must start over with zero points at the beginning of the level. (Idea 3)
You can see this game would get boring after a short while.
How to Help your Child get Motivated to do what's Right
(The good stuff!)
1. Use Checklists and Goals.
2. Have a reward that is small but your child knows they will get. For example a star or a small toy at the end of some time period like a week or month.
3. Skip punishments unless a rule or promise is broken. Don't make new behaviors promises. It's too hard to get everything right the fist time. That is not how people learn and grow.
If you have a rule that bedtime is 8 o'clock then if it is 8:01 physically help them to bed without saying a word. Here a rule is broken and the punishment is that you helped them to bed and they didn't get to go on own their own like a black belt leader. If it is a new rule, look at it as a behavior you would like to instill and not a rule until you get them to the point of success.
Avoid strongly escalating punishments to get behavior. This makes the punishment not fit the crime and makes it hard on everyone.
4. Focus your attention solely on the positive behavior and ignore the failures to reach goals. Not the failures to keep the rules and promises just the failures to reach new goals or steps in the process. Keep the attitude that, "It is only a matter of time until they reach the goal, even if I don't see progress right now." Basically you are just resetting the due date for the goal when they make a mistake. If we focus on the two steps forward and not the one step back we will help them to make their best effort again and again until they reach the goal. Behavior is a skill just like playing the piano.
5. Here is the secret that is going to really change things up. Have the small rewards know and make a big deal out of them. Then have rewards that are random and keep them a secret!
For example lets say that your son gets a star each day he does well in school and every two weeks he gets a small toy. But you have set up some random rewards that he doesn't know about. Some are small like stickers or extra privileges. Others are medium or big and they happen at random times and are randomly big or small.
When it is time to award these random secert awards say something like, "John you have been doing so well at school and I am really pleased with your effort and attitude." Not just progress, kids get frustred with their failures and mistakes too. If you focus only on progress they will think no progress means they are not going to reach their goals and they should give up. Remember the idea of water building behind a dam. You don't know the dam is going to break until the last second.
Next ask, "Do you think you can do even better? (Most kids say, "Yes" but if they say "No" go with "Well, I think you can and that is why...") "Me too. That is why you are getting a toy, or trip to the zoo, or what ever today!" If they want to know why or when they could earn another reward, tell them it will be when you impress me again like today.
Just remember it is really all random. Don't make these reward progressive in size or in length of time to earn the reward or it will ruin the random effect. These rewards work with adults and older children too because they don't know when or how they will happen. It is addictive in a positive way because you are always wondering when and what the next reward will be. At the same time you know you will get some positive feed back and reward for you efforts no matter what. Use dice or a computer to make sure the times and rewards are really random. You can even make a list of 30 rewards and randomly pick 10. This way it always keeps things new and you never really know what is going to happening.
Here are some notes for parents.
A. Remember the goal of any new skill or behavior is to improve who we are as a person not what we have accomplished or can do. Everything we do and or gain in our life will be gone from us the day we die and from the earth in a couple of thousand years at most. It is only who we become as a result of the failure and difficulties in trying to do what is right that will remain in the end.
B. The best reward that everyone really wants is to be loved. Always do everything out of a deep love for your children. Show this with you kind and patient attitude that is not surprised at failure or even the breaking of rules and promises, but that rejoices at every small act of kindness or good because we know that it is done out of love. How can you not reward love with love. My one instructor, Joe Hayes, would always say, "If you don't do it with heart then it isn't worth anything." He an Italian Dad, so that is pretty much as straight as it gets.
May all of us parents and kids be blessed and know that just trying to do any one of the things above will be helpful.
Sensei Scott Shoen
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