Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Dealing with Frustration.


So many parents come to me with concerns that their child gets angry or frustrated. This usually happens when they lose at a game or trying to learn something new. I am excited to share what has worked for me and my family.

I usually find that the trigger for frustration is making a judgement that we are not learning quick enough or we should have done better or won. It is easy to see the trigger as the source of the feelings of frustration. When a student doesn't win at a game, we might say something about winning or losing or being a better sport or maybe next time if you train more you will win. These focus
on the trigger and re-enforce the idea that they are the source of the feelings of frustration.

For me I don't see triggers as the source of our negative or positive feelings but the underlying un-met or met needs. For frustration it is usually our need for

Competence


aka just being good at things. This may seem like a subtle difference but it makes a very important distinction that allows you to meet this need in hundreds of different ways instead of only winning or become competent at the skill that was the initial trigger.

For example a student might become frustrated after losing a soccer game.

Child: "I hate soccer. I'm so stupid for losing. The other team cheated. I don't ever want to play soccer again."
Dad: "I hear you are feeling angry when you think about losing the game?"
Child: "Yeah I'm angry. I should have won."
Dad: "So you are feeling really angry."
Child: "Yes I'm angry."
Dad: "Are you feeling angry when you think about losing the game because you love to
be good at things."
Child: "Yes I'm angry because I was not good at the game."
Dad: "You're feeling angry because you need to be good at things?"
Child: "Yes I'm angry because I need to be good at things."

This last statement by the child is what we are looking to find out and have them realize. It wasn't the game that caused these feelings. It was their need for being good at things. Already one feels better because we all have this same need and there is certainly nothing wrong with wanting to meet that need.

Dad: "What are somethings you feel excited about doing because you get to be good at them?"
Child: "Nothing I'm a loser."

Here I might chose to repeat the process again with this statement focusing on feelings of sadness and the same need to be good at things. Or I might continue as such.

Dad: "It looks like you are feeling happy when you play tag with me. Is that something you are good at?"
Child: "Yes that is fun and I'm pretty fast."
Dad: "So you feel excited playing tag because you are good at it and it meets your need to be good at things?"
Child: "Yes. Can we play tag?"
Dad: "Sure."

At this point our dad has help his child to realize his feelings are coming from his needs being met or not met. Then they came up with a strategy to make sure he gets his need for competence meet. Dad might want to watch this need in the future and check in with his child that it is getting met.

I hope this helps you in the same way it has helped my family. I find this idea useful for myself. I would love to hear your feedback because I love helping people.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Why is it so hard to help other people?

Why is it so hard to help other people?

I know as a parent, friend, and martial arts instructor I have asked myself this question in the past. Here is an example that I think we can all easily understand.

Imagine getting lost in the woods for a week without food or water then finally finding your way out to a strange town. You are so hungry and thirsty that each person you meet you ask for some food or water. In this strange place they seem very kind but they don't understand your language so instead they offer some other kind of help. One man offers you a ride to where you need to go. Another asks if you would like to join him on his way to church. An older lady even offers you her coat. Obviously this would be of no help to you.

So my guess is that you have an idea as to why it is so hard to help other people or even ourselves. We don't understand the words they are using to ask for help. So how do we find out how we can help others? First if we remember the story from above we will stop and try to find the answer to the question,

"What is it that this person needs?"

Many times asking someone this question produces no answer or an answer that many not be possible right now just like in the story above.

So how could we help the man when we can't understand what he is saying?

1. Observation

Make an observation without judgements. I can imagine seeing him. He would look dehydrated and weak.

2. Feelings

Ask how or guess how the other person is feeling?  I might guess he is feeling hungry and thirst.

3. Needs

So I would guess he needs food and water.

4. Offer/Request

Make an offer of food and water. If he took it then I would know I was on the right track.

Here is another example. Lets say your friend tells you he is very depressed. You ask why and he says he doesn't know why. So you tell him he should take up an exercise program. He tells you he has no motivation. You say if you just get started it will help him. He feels even more depressed and tells you it will never work. You tried to help but just couldn't find a way. You might even leave thinking your friend is wrong and if he would just listen to you he would feel much better.

Instead lets apply the model from above and see if it helps.

 1. Observation

Your friend says he is depressed. His shoulders are slumped. He is moving slowly and using a soft voice.

2. Feelings

He looks sad, uncomfortable, and tired. You ask him if he feels tired and he says yes.

3. Needs.

So you make a guess that he might need sleep. Do you think you might need to sleep?

4. Offer/Request

He says yes and takes a nap. Now if he feels better afterwards you know your on the right track. Also notice here you didn't need to come up with a solution. He knew what to do once he become aware of his need for sleep. This happens many times when do steps 1-3 step 4 happens on its own.

We all have needs for food, water, sleep, friendship, contribution, space, autonomy, competence and many others. It is these needs that drive our feelings, thoughts, and actions. So if you want to help yourself, your family, your kids, your friends, or just about anyone give this model a try.

Lastly, watch out for this question. "Is this person right or wrong about what will help them?" This is a question that can't be ask effectively until we know what the person needs. Obviously if the person is upset about a bully at school because they need safety and they tell you they that will get safety by beating this bully up tomorrow. You would want to help them see that there are many other strategies to get their need for safety met that would likely make everyone's life much better. Still we can help the most when know what it is that the person needs before we judge any strategy to meet that need.

I am grateful for the change to share these ideas with you because I love helping others. I hope they benefit you, your family, and your friends. Please let me know you feedback by commenting below because I would love to know how these ideas are helping.







Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Overcome being Overwhelmed

Many of use feel overwhelmed in today society. I would like to answer a different question to offer some insight into how to simplify and manage feeling overwhelmed.

Many student have asked me, "Which is the best martial arts?". They seem to think that there is one Martial Arts that is best or that all Martial Arts are different and using those different Martial Arts together is going be the most effective way of studying Martial Arts. I'd like to bring a little something different for all of our students to consider.

First, everyone who studies Martial Arts no matter what the Martial Art is essentially the same. We all have two eyes, two ears, two arms, two legs, two feet, ten toes, ten fingers, and one mind. Even though each Martial Art technique appears different they are all performed by a person. For example Tae kwon do has a lot more emphasis on kicks because it developed in a country which is relatively flat. Brazilian Jujitsu focuses more on ground work because of the fact that 80% of the fights do end up on the ground. Tai chi emphasizes movements that appears slow and soft from the outside because they were developed with a particular background that emphasize those things.

Even though this differences are real, the fact remains that each of this Martial Arts were developed around the human body and the physics which describes our world. These dictate the fundamental movements that the human body can make. While the movements of the human body are limitless in in a certain sense, they can really be reduced to only three movements.

No matter the Martial Art, no matter the movement, every movement is encompassed either by a circle, a figure eight, or a spiral downward or upward. Those three shapes describe the movement of your center of gravity. That's the point on your body which has the same masses as rest of your body. It is very important in Martial Arts because moving this point instead of your arm or your leg guarantees that the movement will be the most efficient and powerful it can be. Every Martial Art has realized this and gears their movements around this fact. This results in only three types of movement whether you're doing an armbar in jujitsu or you're doing a flying dragon kick in Tae kwon do. Whatever the movement, it must come from one of these three simple patterns.

So, as you study the Martial Arts realize, you're learning a multitude of different Martial Arts at our school yet at the same time all of the movements fundamentally are the same. The more you advance, the more that you see how each of this movements can be reduced to its simplest form.

This realization was described by Bruce Lee as daily decrease instead of daily increase and is demonstrated in the famous story of Leonardo da Vinci being chosen by the Pope as the artist to paint the Sistine Chapel. All the other artists had painted portraits or landscapes that were intricate and beautiful and had taken many months. He walked up with a piece of paper and a simple pencil and proceeded to draw a perfect circle that so impressed the Pope that he immediately chose him as the artist to create the Sistine Chapel.

This idea of simplicity being at the core of everything we do is a radical idea and fights the current of what we see today. We are overwhelmed with so much information and so many options that at times we can feel like there's too much to ever be able to do it all. We think that there are so many options how can we know which one is best. At times like this, I like to remember this simple idea of daily decrease. I saw the example of the instructors I trained with over the years that seemed to have very simple and straight forward ways of living. With their simple lives they deep effected the lives of so many through the mastery they had achieved in so many areas. Their day to day life was centered around a few central practices, one of which is Martial Arts. I saw how Martial Arts made their lives consistently better and allowed them to achieve the success that they attained.

I hope this idea is something that gives comfort to those who feel overwhelmed. That maybe if we stop and slow down and ask ourselves,

"What are the two or three things in my life that bring me, my family, and my friends the most joy?"

Then ask,

"What can I do right now in those areas to make my life more wonderful?"

If we can do that then all of the other things that appear so difficult, many times fall into place. I will end with a quote from one of my favorite instructors, Joe Hays or "Papa Joe" as all of his students used to call him. He said "If you don't do something from the heart, it's worthless." He also said that if you're ever confused, "Go back to the basics." This idea of going back to the basics and simplifying, is it the heart of what we do at the Family Martial Arts Academy. I am so grateful for the opportunity to share the thoughts and ideas that have made my life and the lives of my family more wonderful. I would love to hear your feedback because I really enjoy contributing. Thanks in advance.